i’m just being me…

there are two types of sex hormones… testosterone and estrogen.

BUT… i think there is a third, lesser known hormone called estrotestosterone… it’s what makes the gay man tick.

now… most guys are assholes… right? and most women are bitchy… right?

so that would mean that gay guys are bitchy assholes… right?

and then it all click’s into place. that’s why i’ve never had a boyfriend! it’s all about the bitchy asshole. and i can’t seem to get that part right.

i previously lived in texas… born and raised in south texas. and i thought to myself, “ooooh, i’m moving to the dfw metroplex… i’m bound to find a guy there!”

5 years later and no boyfriend…

and then i thought to myself, “ooooooh, chicago’s got to have a better scene than any place in texas… right?”

another 4 years later… and still no boyfriend.

but the running theme with all the guys that i “meet” and get stood up by… that damned estrotestosterone! it’s running rampant! and now i’m poised for yet another move and i am trying to think to myself, “the east coast has got to have a MUCH BETTER scene than either texas or the midwest… right?”

but i forgot about the estrotestosterone component. it’s the driving force behind the gay man!

you may be shaking your head at me… but you all have that one gay friend. you know the one… the flaming boy george loving twinky son of a bitch that looks like a man and screams like a girl. or maybe it’s the macho ueber masculine guy that flames out every once in awhile when cher comes on the radio or a particularly muscely beefcake walks into a room. it’s that double combo of hormones that makes this guy a complete asshole.

now… not to say that there aren’t those exceptions to the rule… and if you’ve found one of them, hold on tight!

sooooooooooooooooooooo

i’m back from a music festival… and here’s what happened.

so friday of last week i left work to go to an early music festival… i got out of work at 5 pm and came home to get the little things packed… you know, toilletries and what not. at around 7pm i finally had it all packed and ready to go. so i jumped into my baby truck and hit the road.

the drive was uneventful… i just sang along with ben folds… and i got into the dorm at around 10pm. as i was finishing unloading my truck, my violin teacher and his wife and an amazing recorder player showed up. they had a concert that evening out in the middle of a field, of all places.

anyway, i bumped into them and said hi and went out to find some food. aparently the sandwich i ate before i left wasn’t enough and i felt the ‘ol bloodsugar dipping. so i ran for the border and grabed myself a little bit o taco hell… and it sure was.

so that was my friday night.

saturday morning came bright and early. i met up with with a friend early that morning for breakfast at a local breakfast place and we caught up on stuff… chatted for a bit… and then she had to get to the music building for registration (she was working for the music festival).

i’m sorry, but for all of you who don’t know me (and i’m sure that’s a lot of you) once i’m awake i’m fine for the most part… but i am definately not a morning person. let me sleep till 10am and work till 1am and i’m good to go… so the fact that i got up at 7am to meet my friend by 8am just didn’t sit well with me. so i went back to my amazing dorm room and took a nap till about 11am.

had lunch at buffalo wild wings… mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm… and started reading “hello vodka, are you there? it’s me, chelsa” which is hillarious … and just wasted time before i went to registration.

registration was your typical, “sign your name… here’s your name tag and folder of stuff that you need to read. did you turn in your release form for pictures? no? here’s another one… please read it and sign at the bottom blah blah blah”

got that taken care of… and just kinda sat around catching up with people that i met last year… which was a lot of fun.

so we had a meeting at 2pm and then our first rehearsal at 3pm. this year’s theme was handel’s “ode to st cecelia’s day”

st cecelia (i might have spelled that wrong… i’m a horrible speller) is the patron saint of music… and the week was dedicated to her… well, this piece that handel wrote. and it was amazing.

but i digress. or however you spell it

back to rehearsal. we walk into the concert hall and the faculty are already on stage getting stuff together. so the most amazing violinist is down there talking with people and as we come in he announces that we have a seating chart this year… he’s concert master (of course… oh, that means he’s first chair first violin for all you non-music people) and i’m second chair first violin… right next to him! and principle second violin (i.e. first chair second violin) is his friend, another amazing violinist. so i’m sandwiched between these two amazing violinists and i’m starting to get nervous.

thank goodness i had the music a few weeks before the festival… so i was able to get through with very minimal mistakes and sour notes on my part.

so that night we heard the first concert of the week… and it was amazing.

the first full day of the festival found me getting up at 6:45am (again… noting that i am not a morning person… it was a miracle that i actually woke up on time)… i went downstairs and had breakfast and was in the practice rooms at 7:45 and started to warm up for my first class of the day, the 8:30am violin/viola master class. so the concert master of a big baroque orchestra was the leader of that class and i have to say, i was very excited to be in a master class with him. i had heard him perform at the boston early music festival back in 2003 and i knew he was another amazing violinist.

we all matriculate in at 830 and he takes role and asks how we’re doing… and then says that he’ll put up a sign up sheet so that we can figure out who’s going to play when… and then he asks if anyone’s ready to play today? of course my hand goes up, somewhat tentatively, and so does another girl’s.

so he asks which of us would want to play first and she didn’t so i went up and played.

the first comment he made was “you have really good technique… very tight, very controlled” and then we went into interpretation, phrasing, all that good stuff that gives music “life”

it was amazing. i learned sooooooooo much in that 30 minute little lesson.

so the second class was a class on geminiani’s “the art of the violin” which was really really good…

so we had those two classes from sunday thru thursday… and i had so much fun in these classes. and i learned a lot. i actually managed to play in the master class 3 times. i brought 4 different pieces that i had prepared to the festival just in case and it was a good thing i did because there were a few days when no one signed up. and i came to this festival with the mindset of “i need to play well and impress people if at all possible”

so yea, i played well in the master class.

oh yea, there was an afternoon ensemble that i was in. english country set dances and improving on those tunes. my violin teacher was the one that led that ensemble and of course it was amazing. we learned set dances that the baroque englishmen danced and then we actually had a baroque dance class dance to our playing. it was great.

ok… so on monday i went to lunch w/ the co-artistic director of one of the baroque orchestras that was there (they brought their chamber ensemble to the festival…) and we had a chance to talk about the ins and outs of the baroque world… what orchestra contractors are looking for… what i should expect as a freelance violinist etc. basically gave me the inside scoop. and it was great! she’s an amazing person and i’m so glad i was given that opportunity to get to know her.

along the way, i some how ended up at dinner w/ the entire chamber ensemble from that one particular baroque orchestra… a group of my friends and i bumped into them walking down the street and they asked us if we wanted to join them for dinner… and of course i said, “sure! where are you going?” so i exchanged phone numbers w/ the other co-artistic director and he said he’d call when they got to the resteraunt they chose.

so about 20 minutes later, after we were done with our “shopping” i got the call telling us which resteraunt to go to.

we met up with them and i went in to sit down… so the principle cellist in this group said hi to me as i was sitting down and then said, “you know, i heard you playing” to which i automatically replied, “oh, i’m sorry” haha… just a gut reaction (i was always basically told that i was a bad violinist in undergrad… so it’s a knee jerk reaction for me to automatically think i’m a sucky player… hahaha)

she said, “no, you sound great. we’re all sitting in the inner circle in orchestra rehearsals and i really like what you’re doing.”

wow! such a compliment from an amazing cellist!

after that we all just had a fun dinner… talking… joking around… sharing drinks… just hanging out.

so i managed to somehow get the sonata that i’d been working on put onto the participant concert… and found a cellist and harpsichordist to play with me… and had a coaching with the master class teacher. so last friday (a week from today) i performed it live… infront of all the participants and all the faculty.

i had a blast! i love performing! there’s nothing better than that feeling after you play the last note and you LOVE what just came out of your violin. it’s amazing! such a rush!

and from what i heard, the audience loved my playing.

i don’t mean to brag, or sound over proud of myself… but i really was surprised at how well i played. i dunno… there’s just something about being constantly told “well, you’re not my best violinist… ” and always put last chair regardless of what section you’re playing in that will just make you feel like a crappy violinist. and that’s how i felt all through undergrad.

so you can imagine what a shock it was to me when i got all the compliments i did get after i played.

and from what i was told, i really impressed a lot of people.

anywhoo… the final concert came around and it was amazing. we sounded amazing as an ensemble… the choir sounded amazing. and we had a blast playing! i had very few mistakes… which i was extremely happy about since i was sitting next to two world class violinists.

at the after concert party, i was asked to play some of the country dances that we learned that week b/c the normal group of musicians wasn’t there. i had a blast!

so i went back to the dorms and ended up staying up till 1am talking to the two artistic directors of that baroque orch chamber ensemble that was there… (i know it’s confusing, but i don’t like using peoples names on here… respect their privacy this way) it was a really good talk. they helped me come to some very good decisions in my life, the main one being that i really do want to persue the music stuff.

anyway, to wrap it all up… i got an email tuesday evening… an invitation to play with their baroque orchestra!

so in october i’m going to travel to the city they’re located in and play on their concert!!!!!! and my friend noticed today that i was added to their website as one of the musicians in the orchestra!!!!!!!!!!!

so yea… the road not traveled is now the road that is traveled… and i’m loving it! my life feels like it has a direction again… and it’s great!

anyway… that’s that…

there will be more to come. i still have a lot of work ahead of me… hours of practice… learning the music history that i never learned in undergrad b/c i didn’t finish my music degree… all that stuff

and then there’s the actual act of traveling out to where i’m going and playing for people and hopefully impressing them as much as i did the people at this music festival.

who know’s, you might see me perform some day… and never even know it… but if you loved the music, it doesn’t matter who was playing.

ok, i’ll stop now…

so what should i do?

i’ve been sitting around contemplating/freaking out/wondering what i should do… and i’ve come up with a few ideas.

i’ve always loved playing violin… and through out my entire life, i’ve always played/practiced (basically found time to spend at least a little time doing what i really love)…

i was on the path towards an extremely comfortable life… no need to worry about job’s, or the debt that i was gaining because of the one program. i had everything figured out.

and then the huge bump in the road. so i’ve gone over the bump… and frankly, i’ve been thrown off my bike. so here i am, at a fork… there are two options (really, there are more… but you know what i mean) and i can take the easy way out…

or take the road not taken

so the easy way… use my undergrad degree to find a research job and eventually be forced to go back to school and get a masters or PhD in the field of research that i’m working…

OR

i can pursue my music and make that work.

the road not taken.

i’ve been on that road a few times… but i’ve always been scared and ended up running back to what’s comfortable. but i’ve always been drawn back. it’s like i’ve been trying to walk two paths… the safe one and the not so safe… but unfortunately that just won’t work anymore because the safe road has turned out to be the most rocky as of yet.

so what do i do next?

for some reason i feel the need to take the road that has yet to be traveled. it feels like my life is pulling me towards a future i’d only ever dreamed of. and i feel the need to cross the big lake… make my way to europe and pursue my music career there.

i’m still researching the whole process… but i just feel that ami-land (america…) just doesn’t have anything more for me. i’ve been put through the ringer here. horrible luck in love, shitty luck in pharmacy school, and a not so happy music life in undergrad… and yet here i am, still playing my violin.

where i’m at currently is turning out to be a great place for my music… but it’s so close to all the negative that has happened to me recently and i’m not sure i can stand to be around here anymore.

i’ve always said that i want to move back to germany and live there… and i’m thinking this might be the road that i need to take.

The Road Not Taken — Robert Frost
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I–
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

so this teacher doesn’t really give you any kind of real answer and you have to go to the principal to talk about how you’re going to do better in this class.

you’ve mentioned the teacher that will help you before… and the principal asks if there are any kind of set plans with that… and you explain to the principal that the teacher didn’t say anything specific and that you wanted to see what would happen after your meeting before you pursued the matter further, but you assure the principal that the teacher did not say “no” to helping you.

so the principal goes to the teacher to check up on what you said… and for some reason the teacher says “no, i never said that i would help this student. i told the student that i didn’t have time… and here’s a letter that i sent to this student saying such”

the principal never approaches you about this and for some reason you are not allowed to do any summer school… and then you find out what happened…

the teacher stabbed you in the back… and there’s nothing you can do about it. technically you don’t know anything that happened…

now, this person is very nice… but if you work in a busy, high stress environment you need someone that can multi task and keep up with the pace… at least that’s how i’d want an employee to be. but this person is not like that at all… so of course every shift i work now i seem to walk into a gigantic mess. and i hate that.

today was no exception. and to top it off we have a fill in pharmacist working. i’ve worked with this particular pharmacist before and she’s great.

anyway, the mid shift tech is annoying… blah blah blah… but we had something happen in the evening that just made it a crazy day.

we’ve been experiancing an increase in fake prescriptions… especially ones for a certain cough syrup w/ a control substance in it. and it’s always been from people of one particular racial background. and it’s surprised me, but they are getting extremely tricky about it… coming up w/ typed scripts that have seemingly correct information on them.

but we’re not stupid… i know what to look for when i see a script and if i think it’s fake, i will investigate. last week, for example, i rang someone up for a script that was for the aformentioned cough syrup… i pulled the script and noticed that it might be fake. i mentioned it to my pharmacy manager and he didn’t believe me. so i left a note to remind me to call and verify in the morning. well, the staff pharmacist that worked that day called before i came in and said that it was very suspcious… and today we get information from one of our other pharmacies that it was indeed a fake script.

it’s amazing what people will do to get high…

we had another guy come in tonight w/ the same thing… and the fill in pharmacist was quick … she noticed that it might be questionable and called the doctors office right away. the doctor wanted to press charges so we called the police.

needless to say the person that dropped off the script was not going to wait around for us to “fill” the script so he took it and left… but the pharmacist made sure to write a little code onto the script so that the next pharmacy would know to investigate. hopefully. if the pharmacist that gets the script next even cares enough to verify.

blah… seriously… this is getting rediculous! i’m sick of all these assholes trying to take advantage of the system.

maybe this is just me going through a rough spot… but i’m really sick of trying to help people. blah. i know that there are those few that truely appreciate what i do at work… but there are so many more people that are so quick to yell at me for something that someone else did and there’s only so much a person can take.

what ever happened to the golden rule? treat others as you would want to be treated… and i do.

stupid idiot people need to consider how their actions affect the world around them…

blah…

it’s been awhile since i’ve posted on here… but if you go back into the archives you can kind of see what has happened since i moved to the midwest. short recap… i moved here in the fall of 2005 for pharmacy school and started the program with out too many hitches. it took some time getting used to the weird people up here (i’m from texas… ) but i managed to make some friends.

december 15 2005 i became the victim of a hate crime and since then my life has been turned upside down. my grades took a turn for the worse and during my second year here i failed a class in the very last quarter of the year (spring of 2007) …. so the school, in their infinite wisdom, decided to make me repeat the entire year, even the classes i passed. so i did. and for the most part i did fine. except in the class that i failed.

i failed it again… with the exact same grade as the previous year. and before you ask, i tried all new study techniques, went to the prof’s after the exams to ask for help, made notecards, rewrote the notes… if it was a study option, i tried it.

so this is where i am now… the year has ended and i’ve been kicked out of pharmacy school.

oh yea, and if you didn’t know… i’m gay.

and i’ve been trying to find a relationship w/ a nice guy… which apparently is impossible in the gay world.

so back to the school stuff… there is an “appeal” process that i can go through, which i currently am going through… and this is my way to be admitted back into the program. the process involves my writing a letter to a committee of professors explaining to them what happened during the quarter, why i think i did bad, what i plan on doing to make it better and basically telling them that i really want this blah blah blah. then i have to go before the committee and rehash everything they read in my letter… very redundant, but it’s all part of the process. it’s the schools way of degrading you and breaking you down. so i’ve gone through both of those steps and i just got an email from the dean’s assistant requesting that i make an appointment to speak w/ the dean on the phone. she makes the final decision.

at this point i’d like to point out that the dean of the college of pharmacy is not actually a pharmacist. she has no idea what we do as pharmacists (or rather what the pharmacists do… i’m no longer going to be one anymore).

so i have to make this phone call and talk w/ the dean about all of this. and i know what she is going to say. blah blah blah decisions have to be long standing blah blah blah need to stand the test of time blah blah blah basically you’re still kicked out.

great… and this process has taken about a month and a half. if there were summer programs for me to participate in and remediate the course i failed, it’s too late to do them now.

i never thought that the pharmacy school program would be so averse to my trying to complete the program. but apparently they are. and yes, i realize that there are two sides to every story… but i’ve talked to professors at this school and they feel the same way i do about how administration has treated me. for some reason they want to give me a hard time… which is just what they are doing.

so yea, school has gone horribly for me… so there’s the debt load to think about… over 100g’s now.

“what about the whole guy thing” you ask?

well, that’s been a whole fiasco as well.

people say, “put yourself out there… go to boystown… hang out there… someone’s sure to talk to you”

ehhhhhhh not really… gays are the most racist people i have ever met. i’ve done the online thing, the going to the bars and clubs thing, going to the bookstores and coffee shops… nothing.

so let’s see, i’ve been stood up for every date except two… the first one was absolutely horrible… the second one the guy actually left half way through.

i’ll tell you about that second date…

as usual i met the guy online. but the difference here was that we exchanged email addresses on the first day. we talked about what we wanted out of a relationship… if we were compatible in the bedroom… all the basic “getting to gay you” things that gays have to go through.

turns out we were compatible … we both wanted a serious relationship… no BS… open communication… if something’s bothering either one of us we talk about it and get it taken care of.

and the best thing, he speaks fluent german. i don’t know if i mentioned this before, but i was an exchange student to germany when i was in high school… i speak fluent german as well. and i’d always wanted to date another german speaker.

so here i am thinking to myself, “wow, this is crazy… it can’t be real” but after a few days we started talking on the phone… and turns out he was a real person.

we talked on the phone for a week… we seemed to be getting along well… he even told me that it looks like i found a great thing here…. that i’m cute, blah blah blah.

so at the end of the week he sends me a text message, “hey, what are you up to? let’s hang out today”

of course i’m all about that… “i work today from 4-9… but if you want to come over afterwards we can hang out and talk or watch a movie…”

“sure, i’ll come over… call me when you get out of work”

so i call… he jumps into the shower and comes over.

i meet him outside, we shake hands and i walk him up to my apartment. he’s great… we sit on my couch and we’re talking, getting a little closer together…

he’s asking me about my day, what’s on my mind, stuff about my family… and i’m asking basically the same thing. after about 20 minutes go by he says, “so, i brought something for you… but i didn’t bring it up b/c i wanted to see how things went between us before i did… i brought pictures from my last trip to germany and i figured you’d appreciate them. would you like to see them?”

uh… of course i want to see them…

so we hang out some more

after an hour goes by he says “ok, i’m going to go run down to my car and get those pictures… and i brought an overnight bag w/ me just in case it got late… “

i told him to go ahead and get all his stuff and bring it up. so he goes down to his car

.
.
.
.
.

and leaves.

after about 20 minutes i’m sitting in my apartment thinking, “i wonder what’s taking him so long?”

so i send a text asking if he’s alright… i get “hey” back w/ no other message. then i call and leave a voice mail saying that i just wanted to know if he’s alright and to call me later.

around midnight i lay down in bed and try to fall asleep.

of course i can’t… i just lay there trying not to get upset.

i finally fell asleep at some point after 2am but woke up on my own at 7am exhausted and still upset. so i rolled over and tried to fall asleep again. around 945 i finally gave up and got out of bed. asshole and i had talked about doing something that day so my dumbass thought that we were still going to do something so i called and left another voice mail … i got a text back from him

“don’t ever call, text or email me ever again”

wha????????

i never thought i’d have to go through something like that… but i guess anything’s possible.

and the one thing that really gets to me is that he talked about karma… how he believes in it blah blah blah. and i’ve always believed in karma as well.

so what the hell did i do to have all this shit happen to me? i try to put goodness out into the world… i try to be a good person, help people when i can.

all i can think of is that there’s a shit ton of good karma building up out there for me and something amazing will happen soon. maybe.

well, i guess my violin stuff is going well. i played in a production of handel’s “joshua” right when the school year ended… and i’m playing in a preview concert for an early music festival i went to last year (and i’m going to again this year)… and there’s a baroque orchestra playing a concert at the festival this year that’s in my city and my violin teacher’s helping me w/ some audition music so i can play for the conductor at the festival.

so keep your fingers crossed for me… this might be the culmination of all that good karma that’s building up.

and no worries, i have my resume out and circulating.

so i guess life kinda sucks right now… but things always happen for a reason… and if things w/ my violin work out the way i’m hoping… or even in that general direction… it’s a good thing. ultimately i want to play my baroque violin in ensembles.

meh, we’ll see.

so that’s what’s going on right now.

oh yea… i forgot to say… i’m done looking for a boyfriend. and i know i’ve said that before… but this time i really am done. it’s weird… i’ve been pushed around one too many times.

time to work on me. to hell w/ everyone else