i’m just being me…

i have this “friend.” the one that i wrote about in my second post on here. “sam.”

so sam i are talking today… just kinda shootin the shit… we’re both bored… he wanted to do something tonight… he’s a very “sexual” person. so i make a sexual joke, and he stops talking.

apparently, i’m not trying to be a friend. because i’m always busy, and when i am free (which is never) i make sexual jokes…

fyi - even though i’m gay, i am a guy… and *gasp* i do need attention every now and then too… not all of use can have a husband, and a third to the marriage, AND still have sex with random people on the side as well.

why is it always so complicated with gay guys?

blah

here we go… again… for the millionth time… the same ‘ol story (for me anyway)

met a guy online… of course… b/c that’s what i do (and honestly, this whole pharmacy school doesn’t lend well to having time to actually meet people)

so i IM him when he’s online… no response… so i say something like, “hope your day’s going well, i’ll talk to you later”

turns out, he blocks my screen name…

now, i know what you’re thinking… why is he meeting people online? i guess it’s a little different in the gay world. when i meet a guy online, at least i know he’s gay. it saves me the upset of finding out “oh, he has a girlfriend… oh, he’s married…” that kinda thing.

but i can’t seem to get it right… the whole “someone actually thinks i’m a cute guy.” it’s just wierd to me. i dunno… so, as one of my friends puts it, i become the kid at christmas… i get all excited when he’s online, so i say hi… and he doesn’t respond… so the next day when he’s online i say hi again… and maybe leave a little note “oh, hope you’re doing well… ” that kinda thing… and i know i said this already… but i’m frustrated… so just bare with me.

i need help… but not just “oh, it’ll be allright. there’s someone out there for everyone” because i’m starting to think that this is a load of bull.

i mean, i need a crash course in dating… or rather, “what not to do when you want to attract a guy” because what i’m doing is wrong.

some might be thinking, “just do the exact opposite.” well, i tried that a few times… ended up forgetting about the person (which might not be totally a bad thing)

so here’s what my friend and i came up with… back off… don’t try to contact this person… and in the mean time, i’m going to pour myself into my studies… i think i need to re-evaluate how i’m doing things anyway.

i’m putting way too much pressure on myself to find a guy. i think it’d work out best if i could just remove myself entierly from the outside world and focus souly on my studies… i know i need distractions every now and again… and i have amazing friends that want to do stuff most of the time too. so i have that covered.

i don’t really know where i’m going with this…

maybe you can tell me?

but for now… it’s time to just be me for awhile. no worries about relationships or anything like that.

hate crime - A crime motivated by prejudice against a social group

so i haven’t written in a few days… it’s been kinda busy around here… but i just wanted to post this poem that i really like… hope you enjoy.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I–
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference
– Robert Frost

things are kinda stressful right now… i had a human physiology test this morning, and despite my best efforts at studying, i am still out of reach of success… missed enough to get me a high D… blech… gotta try something new when i study i guess. i’ll write more later. meh

so yea,

i’m not quite sure why it always comes to this, but i’m not so sure that it’s me. or maybe it’s that i go for the wrong guys? i dunno… anyway, so classes have been going on for a week, and i feel so unmotivated to study (and it’s kinda freaking me out… so i’m probably going to be studying my ass off this week). and on top of all this, the “guy” that i’ve been talking with since i moved here is going to a musical with me this week… and now i’m beginning to see that i’m always just going to be “friends” with him.

and yet, i still talk with him. i don’t understand why i do this to myself. i end up questioning if i’m even worth it… in the sense that no one could ever really want to be “with” me that much.

and it’s not just this instance (although this does kinda push me along that path of thought). but take this weekend for instance. a friend proposed to his girlfriend… and i happened to be taking the same train into the city that they were… and on the train back… and while i know that i’m always welcome, i felt that they would like some alone time, or maybe i just didn’t want to intrude on their evening. so i sat by myself and read a book. and another friend of mine… her boyfriend came in and they’ve been spending the weekend together. we all went to dinner (a bunch of us) but i felt a little awkward… i’m not quite sure how to explain it. i know that i shouldn’t feel wierd around any of the friends i’ve made at school, but tonight i just felt a little out of place. maybe it’s part of being gay? or maybe it’s part of the way my mind works… but either way, i just felt very unsetteled.

and then talking w/ this guy tonight… it’s just making me feel worse. or, sadder? there needs to be a word that means more than blah, but less than depressed. because that’s what i’m feeling. sigh…

i dunno… i guess i should write more when i’m a little more organized. that way this might make more sense… but i’ll probably end up just not referring back to it… and moving on… that’s kinda what i’m “good” at.

thought for the day… i saw this on grey’s anatomy tonight… it goes something like this… “loving someone who won’t love youback in the same way is more lonely than being alone.”