this just isn’t working
so this just isn’t working anymore… i’ve been removed from a bad situation only to be sitting here in limbo.
it’s sad, but ever since i moved here i’ve been fighting an up hill battle and i’ve had to do it alone. so i’m trying to take measures to change my situation… however difficult that may be.
as it turns out, i have an audition in new york on march 1st… at juilliard. they have a new program starting up and i was told that i should look into it. so i’m jumping in feet first. i filled out my application and have the audition music learned. now i just have to get to the audition and get it over with.
i just hope this goes decently. i need at least one thing to go well for me.
when i sit back and evaluate how things have gone here, it just looks horrible.
school: got decent grades at first… but then became the victim of a hate crime on campus and grades slipped. the program then decided to remove me from the program because the non-pharmacist dean said that i wouldn’t make a good pharmacist. because, you know, a PhD in education really makes her qualified to make judgements on pharmacists.
relationship: and i mean the “real” kind… the boyfriend type not just friends… the first guy i kinda started talking with only really wanted just a friendship… so when we started to get a little physical, he just let it go because i’m such a great friend and he didn’t want to lose that. so instead strings me along and then all of a sudden drops me like a bad habit when he meets the guy of his dreams.
all the dates i’ve been set up on have ended up with me being stood up… oh, except for that one where the guy was soooooooooooooooooooo boring that i ended up just rambling on and on and on and on because he had nothing to say and just absolutely loooooooooooooved listening to me… and then at the end of the “date” when he leaned in to kiss me, i just said “oh fuck it… if this will get me home faster…” toooootaly had a margaret cho moment at that point. and then there was the guy that i talked with last summer… for a few weeks we chatted, texted and talked on the phone. and we had a lot in common… and he said he really wanted to hang out. so after a few hours of hanging out when he said he wanted to go to his car to get pictures from his last trip to germany i didn’t think anything of it… until 30 minutes passed and he never came back up… and then i got a text from him the next day telling me to never contact him ever again.
oh yea, midwest guys are reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal quality guys. **barf**choke**puke**
i’ve had a long string of being stood up… and that doesn’t seem to be changing.
and the lastest… i started talking to a guy that goes to the school i was removed from (different program) and we have everything in common… we like the same tv shows (even the nerdy ones that most people are ashamed to admit they like watching **cough**star trek**cough**), were both raised in a baptist church and have the scars to prove it, both took 12 years of piano lessons and like many of the same composers, both speak english and german… all great things. except that his last bf cheated on him and he’s not ready for a relationship… the story of my life.
so we talked a lot when we first started talking… but now it’s kinda trickled off… and my paranoid self starts to think, “what did i do? was i coming on to strong? i should totally back off… leave him alone… blah blah blah blah blah” and i drive myself crazy because all my insecurities come gushing out. even though my rational mind tells me that it’s not me.
and yet, i go to that place… you know the one… where you think to yourself, “i’m not skinny enough… i’m not good looking enough”
and while i know i’m better than that, i have my moments where those kinda thought sneak in.
sigh…
this just isn’t working.
i moved here for a reason… to go to pharmacy school.
and that reason has ended.
it ended badly… but it ended.
and now it’s time for me to move on because what i’m doing now just isn’t working. at all. i’m working in a pharmacy, and while i love the people i work with, it’s just throwing it in my face that i wasn’t allowed to finish the program. granted, there were extenuating circumstances that led to my demise… but no one really pays attention to that when they see that i’m not finishing the program.
so hopefully this audition goes well. and even if i don’t get in, i just want to play well. i have a gig with another baroque orchestra on the east coast, so i’ll be moving to the east coast anyway.
and now i’m done.
